A "Subway Escort" (NYC Tour Guide Confessions)

A good Tour Guide should be a balance of three elements: One part educator, one part entertainer, one part cattle herder. Seriously "herd management" is crucial when it comes to leading large hordes of Suburbanites and more crucially Ruralites through the crowded, chatoic streets of New York. Crossing busy intersections is like a ballet that I've become very good at.

So when I was hired to be a "subway escort" for two days, I only slightly reluctantly accepted. Reason being, I was being hired at only 2/3 my regular going rate, but I wouldn't be doing any of the educator/entertainer stuff. Point-A to Point-B type stuff. Easy beans, with big chunks of downtime.

(One of the greatest "it's a good life" moments I've had recently: Soaking in the sun on the steps of St. Pat's Cathedral for an hour while making an hourly wage. Aaaaahhhh. . .)

Anyway, I got to the hotel where I was greeted by an overweight tour manager in his fifties with tendonitis. Okay, this is the guy they chose to lead a bus-less tour?? He attempted to get the attention of 60+ well-to-do Los Angelene 8th graders who were "just too cool for their own damn good." Brats, in other words.

It took a big, deep down, Levy-man bellow to get them to finally snap-to.

"HEY CHAMINADE HIGH SCHOOL, LISTEN UP!!!!" Well, I was running the show from that moment on.

One guide (sorry, "escort") who knew the city's timing and rhythms, crowd management, youth management, leading a group that was far, far too big for one guide. By the end of the two days, the adults were asking if I could take the place of their tour manager who apparently, didn't even like kids. Kids this self-centered, I could understand. It's amazing how they just can't help but blab incessantly.

Long story short, in the end, Chaminade HS was very disappointed with the leadership of their travel company and plans to hire Vintage NY Tours (my family's tour co: www.vintagenytours.com) to do all of the receptive services (Restaurants, subway passes, tix to attractions, and of course: GUIDES!) For their trip next year, and hopefully many years to come. Which is a pretty sweet proposition, considering that these kids had MONEY.

Sweet fancy bejeezus, I've never given a 5th ave walking tour where the kids could actually afford the shops we walked past! One girl begging me for enough time to go back to Tiffany's to get the $250 bracelet she wanted.

WHAT???

So as I dropped them at Grand Central and dealt with their begging me to please not go! and the photos, and the handshakes, I was expecting to walk away with a couple palmfuls of Jacksons, dreamily hoping of seeing a Grant or a very slim chance of a Franklin come my way.

And those ungrateful fucks didn't hand me a red cent. Of all the extra work I put in, all those fucking questions I answered because their Chicago-based tour manager didn't know dick, after all that fucking praise, these rich pricks didn't think to offer me a gratuity? Well let me tell you something:

VNYT a'int doing dick for them next year until I see a check come in the mail.

Work me ragged all you want, folks. As long as you're footing the bill.

Money talks, the rest is irrelenat.